Postcards from the Knitting Factory

The widow who lives
in the house behind mine
replaced her deceased
husband with a burglar
alarm and went to Florida.
When the wind blows
too hard or there's thunder,
a loud motorcycle or a fire
engine passes in the street,
that sucker goes off
like an unremitting
air-raid siren,
and it doesn't stop
for hours unless
someone turns it off;
and the most likely
someone to do that
is in Florida. But
she has a daughter
who checks the house
every now and then.
I don't know her name
or where she lives
so I send postcards
to the house;
freebies I get
at the Knitting Factory,
promoting rock groups,
art galleries, museums,
festivals, performance artists,
walkathons, record albums,
liquor companies, concerts.
The one thing they have
in common is that they are
uncommonly weird. Not
the type of thing
widows who run off
to Florida normally
receive in the mail.
Attention-getters
to attract the attention
of the married daughter
who comes to check the mail
and the burglar alarm
every now and then.
Postcards, where the message
is on the outside
for her to read.
Sent anonymously
upon each occurrence
to date
in the following order:

Andy Warhol - double torsos:
"Please have your alarm checked
it seems to go off too often."
- your neighbor

The Kronos Quartet at BAM:
"Your alarm went off
three times last night
due to the wind. Please
have it adjusted."
- a tired neighbor

Tanqueray Imported English Gin:
"It's 3 a.m. and your goddam
alarm has been going for an hour.
I think a branch bumped your house.
Please do something."
- an exhausted nearby resident

Mammoth Records:
"Your alarm continues
to be a problem. By now
every burglar in the county
knows you're not home
and your neighbors could
give a shit less! Ever hear
of the boy who cried 'wolf'?"
- pissed off in Stewart Manor

SonicNet - Rock & Roll BBS:
"Today a bird shit on your roof
and your fucking alarm went off.
I'm going over there to tear
the fucker off the side of the house
and while I'm there, I may go inside
and take a look around."
- the pink fucking panther

1996

GWB's Resume

GEORGE W. BUSH 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington , DC 20520


EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE

LAW ENFORCEMENT

I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver ' s license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

MILITARY

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland , Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn ' t find any oil in Texas . The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry, including Enron CEO Ken Lay, I was elected governor of Texas .

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union .

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my father ' s appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I ' m proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, had a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.

More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip- offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

I ' ve broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S . "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families-in-wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden [sic] to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father ' s library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I am a member of the Republican Party.


PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN THE 2006 MIDTERM ELECTIONS.

PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY VOTER YOU KNOW.

(Received in a chain email. I rarely pass this kind of spam along, but this time I could not resist. Photo borrowed from www.allposters.com, without permission. Ignore my usual copyright for this post.)

Three different MPH signs in less than 3/10 of a mile

As the driver heads south out of Yellow Springs, Ohio on US-68, he is confronted with the following:

• A 35 MPH sign at the town's souther limit (this has been the speed limit for about a mile;
• A little less than a tenth of a mile there is a 55 MPH sign;
• And then, two tenths of a mile later traffic is slowed to 45 MPH for an intersection with a county road.

The limit goes back to 55 in less than a half mile.

Without doing anymore research than the above photos and a check of his odometer, Harry is willing to bet this is the result of three different jurisdictions not consulting with one another: the Village of Yellow Springs (village speed limit is 35), the State of Ohio (state speed limit when not posted is 55), and Greene County, which probably posted the 45 MPH sign to protect those driving on its road at the intersection with Route 68.

As you might guess, the local gendarmes are having a field day with this.

Especially senseless is the 55 MPH sign, which is posted just before the entrance and exit to the Springs Motel. Even a leadfoot like Harry can see a problem with this.

On beating the system...

Here's to Ken Lay, whose timing was perfect.  His cohorts will curse him for decades to come, not to mention the employees and shareholders of Enron.  Hell, I'm just hoping my teeth will hold out for another three years!

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10:00 p.m. Beijing in the Rain

We are the last of the customers.
Outside it is coming down hard.
The restaurant girls are ready
to go home. I picture them
on their bicycles in the dark
and the rain,
dodging trucks and busses
and motorcycles
so we can dine late.

I search their faces
for clues to their lives.
I find nothing,
but blank inscrutability.